in which His Majesty engages in a spot of cultural appropriation
Music departments across all universities have banned the reading of sheet music. This is to decolonise our syllabus and keep all our communities safe from cultural appropriation. Cultural appropriation is a non-crime race hate offence. It happens when people from non-Western cultures attempt to read sheet music, when it's not even their culture. In order to do apartheid 2.0 properly everyone needs to stay in their own cultural lane, cease dabbling in other people's cultures.
Moreover sheet music raises an important equal opportunities issue. If you can't read music by the time you arrive at university to study music, it's unlikely that you will ever catch up with your classmates who've been reading music since before they were born. Maybe their mothers played Mozart to them in utero, which is not fair on others. So it's best if sheet music is banned. That way it's fair for everyone who needs to be given an equal opportunity to acquire a music degree even though they have no formal musical training.
It is not surprising therefore that mainstream public debate about race sensitises minorities to discrimination, but does less to highlight minority self-reliance and resilience.
The CRED report on racial disparities, shorn of all the 'this is what the government needs to do next' hokum that you'd expect from a government-centred report, touches on the importance of minority self-reliance and resilience. Obviously, no government is in a position to give anybody 'self-reliance and resilience' packaged up in a nice bundle of equal opportunities carefully colour-coded for all the racial sub-categories. Each individual must figure this out for himself, and who says it is easy. Better get cracking. Worry less about what your government needs to do for you, and more about what you need to Do For Self.
in which our hero Captain Cook sells a "one-way shackled cruise to purgatory" to other historical Heroes of Empire
Given a choice, would you rather go on YouTube to watch a trigger-happy American cop try to arrest a burly black man (fight! fight! fight!) or instead study a 2000-page government report on incredibly dull ethnic minorities who just get on with their daily lives (working to earn a living, housekeeping, grocery shopping and doing the school run)?
The new CRED Report on racial disparities (google it, it's worth studying) has disappointed the UN experts on 'how to do being-an-African' because we expect race reports to rile us, spur us into action, give us new grounds for a bit of marching or even a full-blown riot with burning barricades if the weather is nice and we fancy going on the rampage. Instead the report presents us with deadly dull statistics about how many ethnic minorities go to Oxford and how many are NHS consultants. Unfortunately we will struggle to translate stats about the 2.3% ethnic pay gap into rousing drama.
in which Lord Cornwallis demonstrates how to do justice and fairness the Plushy way
Be polite and diplomatic, empathetic and kind. Have a personal moral code to govern all your social interactions, and listen to your conscience. Do as you would be done by. If we all followed these principles life would be pleasant and enjoyable for everyone. We would live free, in pursuit of peace and prosperity as we conceive them to be. Problems only arise when moral dictators pronounce themselves to be the self-appointed arbiters of all that is good and true, and proceed to denounce everyone who does not conform to their edicts.
All cartoons are created equal
But my equal opportunities are bigger than your equal opportunities
'Equal opportunities' is a concept denoting the bundle of rights, claims and privileges which all residents of the UK (legal and illegal) are given by the government. The main role of a government, especially a Conservative government that wishes to show how good they are, is to give everyone their equal opportunities. All human beings are born equal, and thus deserve to demand their fair share of equal opportunities from their elected representatives, plus an extra portion of equal opportunities for those whose ancestors suffered from historical grievances.
King George III
All trussed up and ready to face his Trial by Modern Standards. We wish all historical Plushies the best of luck.
Institutional racism refers to the policies, rules and practices of an institution resulting in unfairness based on race. To complain about institutional racism you need to show that the racism has produced an unfair outcome for your race. The problem is not the race-based treatment in itself, but the unfairness of the outcome. We like racism, as long as it produces advantageous outcomes for us.
This means that there is a right way and a wrong way to do racism. If racism produces good outcomes, that's called Woke Racism or Racism 2.0 and it's what we want to encourage. We want everyone to be racist, as long as they follow the woke guidelines. If racism produces unfair outcomes, that's called institutional racism and it's wrong, so compensation will have to be paid.
The Last Supper
White Allies, in the night in which they were betrayed
White Allyship is an educational process which trains white people on how to talk to black people and safely make friends with us. The training is run by the Woke Academy, and it's open to all white people who don't live in the racist countryside. If you self-identify as an urban white, you can take the course over the internet, and at the end you print out a certificate to prove that you have passed the test and are now certified as safe to be friends with black people. You might wonder why credentials are necessary, but this is essential for your own protection and to keep all our communities safe.
Take a hypothetical man named, say, Edward. Ask yourself, is he a good man or a bad man? It's important to know, because before cancelling anyone you have to know whether they are good people or bad people.
"By jove!" Cornwallis smiles. "216 years on, and I've colonised the Internet! Oh jolly good show! Time for a good cup of Darjeeling to celebrate! Attr: Corny's Corner
Free markets are brilliant. In open markets, a seller prefers the buyer who offers the best price. Very few sellers will let their ideology determine their bargains, and those who do will soon crash and burn. It is simply not possible to succeed in the long-term by making decisions based purely on ideology. Price is more important than ideology in market exchanges.
This means that a lot of time, energy, fury and effort is wasted monitoring discrimination and passing more and more hate-crime legislation. All these anti-racist measures make woke folk sleep better on their pillows at night, as they feel that they are good people, but it makes no difference to anybody's life outcomes.
Foreground: small Knitted Corny. Back Row: Lord Cornwallis and assorted fellow POM
(Persons of Material) gathered together in a poignant last stand for colonialism.
Standard Bearer: Edward of Bristol Harbour
Attr: Corny's Corner
I know a few things about colonialism. I learned these things from growing up in Kenya, a former British colony. I have always been interested in hearing what other people think about colonialism, the advantages and disadvantages, and how it has influenced the socioeconomic outcomes of former colonies and their peoples.
Now Bruce Gilley’s Studies in Anti-Colonialism, a book series that aims “to raise questions about the normative and empirical validity of anti-colonial perspectives, to stimulate debate and offer new solutions to pressing global problems” has been characterised as a threat to public health: it risks exposing readers to positive views on colonialism.
Scholar, Writer, Friend