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Work, Productivity and Pay

Wanjiru Njoya, PhD (Cantab.) MA (Oxon.) LLM (Hull) LLB (Nairobi) PCAP (Exeter)
​Fellow of the UK Higher Education Academy

​​​

White Allyship

29/3/2021

8 Comments

 
Picture
The Last Supper
White Allies, in the night in which they were betrayed
White Allyship is an educational process which trains white people on how to talk to black people and safely make friends with us. The training is run by the Woke Academy, and it's open to all white people who don't live in the racist countryside. If you self-identify as an urban white, you can take the course over the internet, and at the end you print out a certificate to prove that you have passed the test and are now certified as safe to be friends with black people. You might wonder why credentials are necessary, but this is essential for your own protection and to keep all our communities safe.
The White Allyship course covers many important topics. First you learn the latest acronyms with which to address black people. No, you can't just call us 'coloured' like your gran used to, as you will end up in the Equality Tribunal explaining to the friendly judge why you are not a Racist and begging forgiveness for the non-crime race-hate offence of mis-naming others.

Older white people sometimes use the word 'coloured' to describe black people in the mistaken belief they are being polite, a tribunal has found.

Those of a 'certain age' who have not had 'multi-cultural acquaintances' often use the 'outdated' language when trying not to offend, an employment judge said.

Mr Pell immediately apologised and said he did not mean it to be 'nasty or upsetting' and he genuinely had not meant to be racist.

He claimed he had been worried about using the word 'black' to describe the men as he thought it was offensive and so decided to use the word 'coloured' instead.

​Daily Mail
​
Haha, should have done his White Allyship training, then he would know the exact words to describe all the different types of ethnic minorities organised by race and sub-race.

​It's not safe to rely on 'multi-culti acquaintances' because some of your black or coloured friends might actually like being called black or coloured and then what? Better do the official training to be on the safe side. At least then when you're hauled down to the tribunal to explain yourself you can blame the government for teaching you the wrong acronyms.

As announced by the government's recent race report, these days ethnics prefer acronyms. Acronyms look more modern than actual descriptive words. The correct acronyms that can safely be used are subject to review and are constantly updated in line with the latest data on how black people are feeling. That's why the White Allyship certificate expires every year. By doing an annual refresher course you won't accidentally call black people BAME only to discover that BAME was certified for use in 2020 but is considered highly offensive for 2021. No, not POC either, that was only valid for 2019. For 2021 we will be experimenting with a new acronym system where each black person gets to choose their own personalised acronym. There will also be new legislation making it a hate crime to mis-acronym any black person or for failing to address them by their preferred acronyms.
​
​It can be difficult to keep up with the latest trends in black sentiment, and that's why repeatedly doing the White Allyship course is so helpful. You'll never have to worry that you're out of date with the latest fashions in racism. Also, the training is free so there's no reason not to do it, really. In any case it will soon be mandatory to show your anti-racism certification to get a job or to gain entry to any place where polite people gather, so you might as well get on board now, start familiarising yourself with the process, learn to speak Wokish fluently, and begin building up a healthy brigade of black friends to corroborate your actively anti-racist status.

How will you prove that you are actively anti-racist, if you have no black friends? Forget Jeremy Clarkson declaiming that he has no black friends, he will just give you a false sense of security and anyway he's not a good example to emulate as he was cancelled multiple times for telling the wrong jokes even before cancel culture became a fully-fledged thing. In reality your black friends are your social proof, so start getting your White Allyship certificates in order.

Next, after learning the latest Wokish terminology, you study the acceptable topics which black people feel safe talking about. By sticking to these topics and never venturing off piste you should be able to enjoy a vibrant, inspirational and safe Woke friendship for many years to come. It is a closed list, mercifully, with only a few topics:
  • Racism and oppression
  • Slavery and reparations
  • Multiple historical grievances
  • Victimhood and Microaggressions
  • Quotas for black people in hiring and promotions
Don't worry, it's more cheery than it looks. Everyone feels uplifted and invigorated after a rousing discussion of the black lived experience. Sometimes, if the weather is nice and there are no covid police around, you can even dress up in combat gear, go on marches, take in a little spring sunshine, break a few windows, topple a few statues of horrid slavers into the river, it's fun! A bit of harmless criminal destruction which is fine because the police are all institutionally-racist and systemically-biased anyway so who cares.

Next up on the White Allyship course is training on how to check your privilege. Obviously, if you are white, you are dripping with privilege from the colour of your white skin though you may not be aware of this. You might think that because you grew up poor, lived on a sink estate, attended a bog standard comp, worked hard all your life against all odds to scrape a few pennies, that this means you're not privileged? Wrong. This is not what the Woke training teaches. Pay attention. 

Beyond the assertion that Black lives matter, which has been the battle cry of contemporary racial justice movements, advocates and activists have now undergirded their messages with a charge aimed at White Americans broadly, however well-intentioned: your silence is noticed. You are complicit. You are guilty too.

​'
White people say they want to be an ally to Black people. But are they ready for sacrifice?' Are they? ARE THEY?

Dude, you're guilty. Don't question what we're telling you. Just get ready for your sacrifice. Confess your white guilt, or we won't let you graduate from the Allyship course. You need your Allyship certificate to avoid ending up like the hapless Edward, who imagined himself to be a generous philanthropist but ended up scraping the bottom of Bristol harbour when his sins were uncovered. He was clueless. He failed to surround himself with a protective Black Friends Brigade. But you will be smarter, and safeguard yourself from suffering his fate.

As soon as you embrace your humiliation, you will be almost ready for your new credentials. Just one final step in the White Allyship course, and that's to make sure you've been purged of any residual Unconscious Bias. This final step works sort of like an MRI scan. You go through an actively anti-racist machine (it's painless, don't worry) and it scans your brain for any racial biases. If any biases are detected you have a few options to reconfigure yourself, which your surgeon will discuss with you. All this is available on the NHS, so the taxpayers will kindly be picking up the tab and it won't cost you anything.

Now for our friends in the countryside who are well-known racists and are therefore not eligible for publicly-funded Woke training. You still have the option of  befriending black people in the normal human way with no institutional protection whatsoever. This remains possible in off-grid situations outside civilised cities, as it's not illegal in the UK to make friends with black people informally. This can be achieved through a simple 5-second conversation staged in your racist garden in amongst your racist plants. We don't mind the plants being racist as long as the garden itself is covid-secure and you keep the correct social distance.
It's not illegal to have such a conversation, but in general it is not advisable to talk to black people outside the scope of Woke, due to many hazards. You must be aware that claiming to have black friends, while being white, is itself a racist microaggression. We know this is true, because the Woke Bible says so. 

​“Having black acquaintances and having black friends is different,” said Nick Adams, a television writer who is black and the author of the book “Making Friends With Black People.”

But sometimes it’s the relationships that white people have with black friends that can lead them astray. They can be lulled into a false sense of familiarity that might have them pushing boundaries better left untouched.


The 'Some of My Best Friends are Black' Defense
​
The White Allyship course will walk you through the correct books that train you how to safely make friends with black people and avoid being 'lulled into a false sense of familiarity' where you are laughing and joking together, having a drink, being best buds, thinking this is not so bad, black people seem to be human beings just like you, it's really fun, and suddenly, out of nowhere, Wham! They smack you in the face with a race discrimination claim for calling them a BAME. Wow, you didn't see that coming did you. It's your own fault. Should have taken the White Allyship course.
​Also be aware that your black friend will in any case have to be race-tested by the woke police to see if they're really qualified to self-identify as black, or whether they're just pretending to be black for purposes of giving succour to racists through a pernicious form of gaslighting that is typical of conservative blacks. Conservative blacks are shameless creatures who approach white people who have not yet been pre-approved by the White Allyship training.

If you're feeling brave, go for it, it's a free world. But before taking the hazardous step of approaching a black person when you haven't completed the proper Allyship training I would advise a few safety precautions.

First, take legal advice on your liabilities and duties under the Equality Act. You might want to prepare some form of prenuptial friendship agreement (PFA) to protect yourself from potential harassment charges caused by inadvertent microagressions on your part. What if you accidentally call your black friend a BAME, and they sue you for harassment? It's a risk. When you identify a black person you want to be friends with, get them to sign your PFA immediately. A good Equalities lawyer should be able to advise you on a suitable legal disclaimer, so your new black friends can sign in blood that they will never feel harassed by you. Won't stop them suing you if they choose to, of course, but it's worth a try.

​As you know, PFAs are not legally binding but they may help you to establish your good intentions should you ever wind up in court charged with being a racist. Of course, as you also know, good intentions are irrelevant in establishing liability for racial harassment under the Equality Act, but it may help to cast some doubt on the reasonableness of your offended friend - that's assuming you are ballsy enough to defend your case, which is not always advisable. Sometimes it's just better to fold. Race trials have a well-known Kafkaesque quality to them, and if you say that you're not a racist that's the proof that you are a racist, obviously. Better to plead guilty, express shame, issue an abject apology, cancel yourself, and be done.

Trying to live free outside the jurisdiction of Woke is not for the faint of heart. It is definitely risky, requires a good grasp of the legalities, and you might find it safer to just - very reluctantly and with deep regret, taking no joy from this difficult decision - suddenly and inexplicably abandon your deep libertarian instincts and embrace the Woke for your own protection. This is no time to have principles. You must go woke, my friend. Be realistic, like a True Conservative. After all, you are overrun by orcs, anybody can see that you had no choice. Nobody will blame you for breaking cover and abandoning all your ideals and values and declaring yourself to be deeply ashamed of who you are, deeply ashamed of your ancestors. Anybody would do exactly the same in your position: evolve and move with the times. Sense the dangerous mood and be ready to decamp. Become a White Ally. It's the only safe way. You have been warned.

8 Comments
Nikki link
29/3/2021 01:36:16 pm

Hello Wanjiru! Great article as always. Well I have a natural immunity to wokepox, so try as I might, I just can't muster up any white guilt. Of course as you know, I'm already a dangerous, history-loving imperialist!
Rest assured, I will always be your non-woke ally.

Reply
Wanjiru Njoya
31/3/2021 06:54:09 pm

You are brave, my glorious imperialist friend.

Reply
Jens
31/3/2021 10:23:10 am

Hi Wanjiru,
I really, really want to be a CGA. CertifiedGoodAlly, because I educated myself and now know nothing is more important to the well-being of black people around the world - who like it like nothing else to be called indiscriminately PoC, sorry, I mean BIPoC - if I hang my head in shame for the disgusting colour of my skin.
Skin equals sin, thankfully everybody knows that now. It's not like in that dark ages around 2010 when some fascists said it's only degree of pigmentation, oh no, it is the indelible mark of Satan, the White Devil.
So I wanted to sign up to the course. But then pictures emerged of me as a young boy (!) wearing wellies! The horror, the shame! My fate is sealed. My only hope now is to pray on my knees, weeping, before the framed picture of Ibram X Kendi, my saviour, a man who has to suffer the unimaginable cruelty of getting only 10 million bucks from right-wing racist Jack Dorsey. Can you imagine? Well, can you? Or are you .... a traitor? Like Glenn Loury, John McWhorter (just look at his white name! Says it all.), Coleman Hughes, Thomas Chatterton Williams (living in racist colonialist France with his ugly white daughters and wife!)? Then we can't be friends, for the sake of my soul, I'm sure you understand. It's just that you are doing black totally wrong, TAWGA (Totally Approved White German Allies) tell me. And they know better than you, I guess.

Looking forward to your next piece, all the best, Jens

Reply
Nikki link
31/3/2021 01:17:19 pm

@Jens - as POC/BAME are now problematic, I propose a new term - HIMC - Higher Melanin Content Persons. :-)

Reply
Wanjiru Njoya
31/3/2021 06:42:29 pm

I like HIMC. DBTW (doing black totally wrong) also has a nice ring to it. I wonder how many we'll be allowed to have? Maybe we could have different acronyms depending on how we're feeling on the day, what outfit we're wearing, etc.

Jens, it's not too late to repent, just burn the incriminating picture as your act of penitence. In fact, burn all your childhood pictures just to be on the safe side.

Reply
Jens
1/4/2021 08:39:18 am

@Nikki @Wanjiru
HIM? I don't think so. You might be commiting a hate crime there. The preferred pronoun is they/them. So it is either SHEC/HERC or THEYC/THEMC. Everything else is male white supremacy.
Thanks for the hint btw, I burnt not only all pictures but all my books, too. It's so easy to be good.

Reply
Martha
1/4/2021 01:39:27 pm

Dr Njoya, as a black mom, YOU are the role model I want for my 2 kids. Not race baiters like Kamala, BLM, etc. We're in one hell of a mess here in the States and it ain't gonna get better any time soon. I'm homeschooling, but dread what the future holds for my boys. CRT is being pushed 24/7, drug and gun crime is endemic. Your posts are a breath of fresh air.
God bless from SC.

Reply
Wanjiru Njoya
1/4/2021 05:25:34 pm

I commend you for homeschooling your boys. Keep them safe from the poisonous ideologies being taught in schools, where black kids are encouraged to grow up as miserable victims, constantly weeping about 'equality' and being given their 'rights', rioting and fighting with police. When they end up in prison that's fine because after all it's not their fault, it's the fault of institutional racism.

Race hustlers care nothing for our children. They care only for power and money and don't care if our children are destroyed in the process.

It's up to us to teach our kids the virtues we grew up with. Self discipline. Self reliance. Self esteem. Resilience. Hard work. Ambition. Truth, honesty and kindness. All positive virtues. It's hard for them at school because teachers don't encourage them in this, they are under pressure to spend all their time decolonising, whining about historical grievances and encouraging our children to feel entitled to free money from the government. Demanding reparations to be funded by taxpayers. Where do they think reparations will come from? Someone has to work for that, there is no magic money tree.

Stay strong, God bless you and your boys.

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