The Last Supper
White Allies, in the night in which they were betrayed
White Allyship is an educational process which trains white people on how to talk to black people and safely make friends with us. The training is run by the Woke Academy, and it's open to all white people who don't live in the racist countryside. If you self-identify as an urban white, you can take the course over the internet, and at the end you print out a certificate to prove that you have passed the test and are now certified as safe to be friends with black people. You might wonder why credentials are necessary, but this is essential for your own protection and to keep all our communities safe.
The White Allyship course covers many important topics. First you learn the latest acronyms with which to address black people. No, you can't just call us 'coloured' like your gran used to, as you will end up in the Equality Tribunal explaining to the friendly judge why you are not a Racist and begging forgiveness for the non-crime race-hate offence of mis-naming others.
Haha, should have done his White Allyship training, then he would know the exact words to describe all the different types of ethnic minorities organised by race and sub-race.
It's not safe to rely on 'multi-culti acquaintances' because some of your black or coloured friends might actually like being called black or coloured and then what? Better do the official training to be on the safe side. At least then when you're hauled down to the tribunal to explain yourself you can blame the government for teaching you the wrong acronyms.
As announced by the government's recent race report, these days ethnics prefer acronyms. Acronyms look more modern than actual descriptive words. The correct acronyms that can safely be used are subject to review and are constantly updated in line with the latest data on how black people are feeling. That's why the White Allyship certificate expires every year. By doing an annual refresher course you won't accidentally call black people BAME only to discover that BAME was certified for use in 2020 but is considered highly offensive for 2021. No, not POC either, that was only valid for 2019. For 2021 we will be experimenting with a new acronym system where each black person gets to choose their own personalised acronym. There will also be new legislation making it a hate crime to mis-acronym any black person or for failing to address them by their preferred acronyms.
It can be difficult to keep up with the latest trends in black sentiment, and that's why repeatedly doing the White Allyship course is so helpful. You'll never have to worry that you're out of date with the latest fashions in racism. Also, the training is free so there's no reason not to do it, really. In any case it will soon be mandatory to show your anti-racism certification to get a job or to gain entry to any place where polite people gather, so you might as well get on board now, start familiarising yourself with the process, learn to speak Wokish fluently, and begin building up a healthy brigade of black friends to corroborate your actively anti-racist status.
How will you prove that you are actively anti-racist, if you have no black friends? Forget Jeremy Clarkson declaiming that he has no black friends, he will just give you a false sense of security and anyway he's not a good example to emulate as he was cancelled multiple times for telling the wrong jokes even before cancel culture became a fully-fledged thing. In reality your black friends are your social proof, so start getting your White Allyship certificates in order.
Next, after learning the latest Wokish terminology, you study the acceptable topics which black people feel safe talking about. By sticking to these topics and never venturing off piste you should be able to enjoy a vibrant, inspirational and safe Woke friendship for many years to come. It is a closed list, mercifully, with only a few topics:
Next up on the White Allyship course is training on how to check your privilege. Obviously, if you are white, you are dripping with privilege from the colour of your white skin though you may not be aware of this. You might think that because you grew up poor, lived on a sink estate, attended a bog standard comp, worked hard all your life against all odds to scrape a few pennies, that this means you're not privileged? Wrong. This is not what the Woke training teaches. Pay attention.
Dude, you're guilty. Don't question what we're telling you. Just get ready for your sacrifice. Confess your white guilt, or we won't let you graduate from the Allyship course. You need your Allyship certificate to avoid ending up like the hapless Edward, who imagined himself to be a generous philanthropist but ended up scraping the bottom of Bristol harbour when his sins were uncovered. He was clueless. He failed to surround himself with a protective Black Friends Brigade. But you will be smarter, and safeguard yourself from suffering his fate.
As soon as you embrace your humiliation, you will be almost ready for your new credentials. Just one final step in the White Allyship course, and that's to make sure you've been purged of any residual Unconscious Bias. This final step works sort of like an MRI scan. You go through an actively anti-racist machine (it's painless, don't worry) and it scans your brain for any racial biases. If any biases are detected you have a few options to reconfigure yourself, which your surgeon will discuss with you. All this is available on the NHS, so the taxpayers will kindly be picking up the tab and it won't cost you anything.
Now for our friends in the countryside who are well-known racists and are therefore not eligible for publicly-funded Woke training. You still have the option of befriending black people in the normal human way with no institutional protection whatsoever. This remains possible in off-grid situations outside civilised cities, as it's not illegal in the UK to make friends with black people informally. This can be achieved through a simple 5-second conversation staged in your racist garden in amongst your racist plants. We don't mind the plants being racist as long as the garden itself is covid-secure and you keep the correct social distance.
It's not illegal to have such a conversation, but in general it is not advisable to talk to black people outside the scope of Woke, due to many hazards. You must be aware that claiming to have black friends, while being white, is itself a racist microaggression. We know this is true, because the Woke Bible says so.
The White Allyship course will walk you through the correct books that train you how to safely make friends with black people and avoid being 'lulled into a false sense of familiarity' where you are laughing and joking together, having a drink, being best buds, thinking this is not so bad, black people seem to be human beings just like you, it's really fun, and suddenly, out of nowhere, Wham! They smack you in the face with a race discrimination claim for calling them a BAME. Wow, you didn't see that coming did you. It's your own fault. Should have taken the White Allyship course.
Also be aware that your black friend will in any case have to be race-tested by the woke police to see if they're really qualified to self-identify as black, or whether they're just pretending to be black for purposes of giving succour to racists through a pernicious form of gaslighting that is typical of conservative blacks. Conservative blacks are shameless creatures who approach white people who have not yet been pre-approved by the White Allyship training.
If you're feeling brave, go for it, it's a free world. But before taking the hazardous step of approaching a black person when you haven't completed the proper Allyship training I would advise a few safety precautions.
First, take legal advice on your liabilities and duties under the Equality Act. You might want to prepare some form of prenuptial friendship agreement (PFA) to protect yourself from potential harassment charges caused by inadvertent microagressions on your part. What if you accidentally call your black friend a BAME, and they sue you for harassment? It's a risk. When you identify a black person you want to be friends with, get them to sign your PFA immediately. A good Equalities lawyer should be able to advise you on a suitable legal disclaimer, so your new black friends can sign in blood that they will never feel harassed by you. Won't stop them suing you if they choose to, of course, but it's worth a try.
As you know, PFAs are not legally binding but they may help you to establish your good intentions should you ever wind up in court charged with being a racist. Of course, as you also know, good intentions are irrelevant in establishing liability for racial harassment under the Equality Act, but it may help to cast some doubt on the reasonableness of your offended friend - that's assuming you are ballsy enough to defend your case, which is not always advisable. Sometimes it's just better to fold. Race trials have a well-known Kafkaesque quality to them, and if you say that you're not a racist that's the proof that you are a racist, obviously. Better to plead guilty, express shame, issue an abject apology, cancel yourself, and be done.
Trying to live free outside the jurisdiction of Woke is not for the faint of heart. It is definitely risky, requires a good grasp of the legalities, and you might find it safer to just - very reluctantly and with deep regret, taking no joy from this difficult decision - suddenly and inexplicably abandon your deep libertarian instincts and embrace the Woke for your own protection. This is no time to have principles. You must go woke, my friend. Be realistic, like a True Conservative. After all, you are overrun by orcs, anybody can see that you had no choice. Nobody will blame you for breaking cover and abandoning all your ideals and values and declaring yourself to be deeply ashamed of who you are, deeply ashamed of your ancestors. Anybody would do exactly the same in your position: evolve and move with the times. Sense the dangerous mood and be ready to decamp. Become a White Ally. It's the only safe way. You have been warned.
Scholar, Writer, Friend